Posted by Mary Beth Dahl on July 11, 2013
In case you weren’t sure or thought you might be on the verge of scary success, take a few minutes and review what you need to master in order to be completely useless. And remember, it won’t be easy, but if you’re really committed, you’ll do just fine.
Be the first to point out all the things that are going wrong/can go wrong/have gone wrong, and dwell on those things. Don’t get distracted by success stories. Stay focused.
Go virtual only and strive to have NO personal contact. Contact with real people might cause you to grow and actually be helpful.
Wallow and do not ask for help. Asking for help could up your productivity and add to your development. It’s better to just feel sorry for yourself and ignore what you are unable to do.
Become a master of at least one video game/computer game. It doesn’t have to be Call of Duty. Bejeweled will do.
Take no risks. Only do the things you know will be successful.
Always leave stuff for the little people to do. There are things that are beneath you. Never do those things.
Always plan to start the harder stuff tomorrow. Tomorrow, not today. Procrastination is your friend.
Assume you will fail. Making assumptions about failure will help cut back on any momentum or excitement that may entice you to do more than you should.
Stay busy with the mundane, little stuff. Count the Q-tips, pick out belly button fuzz, rearrange your underwear drawer, etc.
Do nothing. The #1 way to be useless is to do absolutely nothing. If you have a talent, bury it. Have a great idea? Don’t share it. Thinking about getting off the couch? Don’t. Just stay put and wait for success to come to you.