Sometimes the struggle slows us down.
Sometimes our hope fails.
Sometimes life feels heavy and won’t let up.
And sometimes questioning faith leads you nowhere.
I’m in one of those places today. I should be thankful and free. But instead I sit in silence and feel lost in questions about meaning and life while my will to fight gives way to being tired of a lack of answers and getting nowhere.
Perhaps this isn’t the best place from which to write a blog post, but it’s where I am, and since I’ve made such a big deal about being real and honest, I thought why not? Why not share with dear friends and complete strangers the heaviness that’s on my heart today?
Can anyone out there identify with this weary feeling?
Doesn’t everyone else wonder about their purpose too?
Are there any others who question their faith?
Probably. Probably most of us go through pits like the one I’m swimming in right now. I bet a lot of people long and hope for one simple word from God only to hear his silence screaming at them. What do we do in this place?
I tell myself it’s a choice. Believe. Trust. Have Faith. Don’t listen to the feelings. Don’t depend on what you can see and hear and touch. Just hold on to God.
But today I feel discouraged in that.
If my way out of this pit is solely determined by the amount of faith I can muster and just how much I can believe about God, then it’s all on me, and I can’t do it anymore. How can I trust that my deceitful heart will be in the right place tomorrow—that the questions won’t return?
No, I think my hope of getting out of this pit is outside of me and doesn’t depend on my grip of the truth. Instead, it’s on Him.
Doesn’t the Bible say he chooses us?
Wouldn’t the fact that he allowed Jesus to die a cruel death to save mankind lend itself to him getting involved with us here and now?
And doesn’t the resurrection have the final word on all of it?
My way to freedom in my questions must be dependent on Him, not me.
Hasn’t God always been in the business of pulling beating hearts out of confusing pits? Our questions do not scare him. Our doubts do not thwart his plans. Our continual return to our own significance does not negate His magnanimous power.
Life has and always will be about him, so maybe it’s time for this faith thing to no longer be about me and what I can reason to believe. Maybe it’s time, instead, for me simply to watch and see.
“Let me see redemption win, let me see the struggle end.” (Tenth Avenue North, Worn)